


summertime sadness

by krucxa



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: ?? i guess, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Depression, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Hurt No Comfort, Loneliness, M/M, better safe than sorry !, but mainly lonely, fair warning this doesn't have a happy ending, i'm so sorry jisung, jisung is lonely and whipped, trigger warnings in the notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-22 05:29:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15574806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krucxa/pseuds/krucxa
Summary: And maybe Jisung is just tired.





	summertime sadness

**Author's Note:**

> if you feel like any of these could trigger you into a panic attack, or anything else really, _please don't read this_
> 
> ! mentions of starving one's self !  
>  \+ depression and loneliness in general

It's one of those days, Jisung can tell.

It doesn't take him much time to realize it - not when getting out of bed seems so hard to to, having lost its sense, not when after he finally rolls out of out of bed and takes his time pulling on a pair of jeans he's already used yesterday, and the day before that, and - maybe even longer, he doesn't remember. It all seems so tedious, and there's an empty feeling in his chest that he can't get rid of.

Because what's the point if he's not doing what he loves?

What's the point of always waking up to the same, empty room, the same monotonous routine, the same grey walls he's stuck in?

There's nothing new in the way he stumbles downstairs, how he's met with silence as he stands in the kitchen, pouring boiled water to mix with the bitter coffee.

And maybe Jisung is just tired.

He's tired of the dull feeling inside of him, he's tired of the routine, tired of the days passing by, tired of the seemingly, never-ending summer.

He hates it.

He hates it as he sips on the bland drink, his mouth burning and begging him to stop, but he keeps going, his stare boring into a wall - because he hates it, how everyone romanticizes the exhausting hot weather, hair sticking to the skin from the sweat, and he _hates_ it because when everyone leaves - he stays in the same place, spends yet another year the same, monotonous way.

No matter how much he wishes for change, it never comes true.

_Summertime sadness_ , sings Lana Del Rey; Jisung just calls it seasonal depression.

And as he sits by the table, as he sees all the empty seats surrounding him, he can't help but feel sick.

It's okay, he tries to tell himself, they'll come back. _He_ will come back.

It's stupid. He shouldn't feel as lonely as he does.

But he does, and really, he knows. He knows how selfish he is, his thoughts won't let him forget about it - because how could he wish for them all to stay with him, when they're out there, pursuing their dreams?

He knows it's wrong of him to do - but he can't stop it, the way his heart physically hurts when he realizes, he's all alone.

The empty chairs feel like they're mocking him. He just glares at them harder.

Later, he dumps the rest of the coffee into the sink - watching it swirl around, slowly disappearing from his sight.

He kind of hoped that, at least by doing that, there would be some satisfaction left - but it doesn't make him feel any kind of way.

_It's frustrating_.

Jisung doesn't know what to do.

He hates how, when he stares into his own reflection in the mirror, he can't even recognize himself anymore.

There are dark circles accenting his eyes, his lips set into a deep frown, and his hair disheveled from the fight he paid just to get out of his bed.

It's still the morning, and there's a disgusting taste left in his mouth, but he doesn't brush his teeth, he doesn't have the energy to.

He just turns on the water, letting his fingers soak in it, his thoughts going wild, but somehow, non-existent, at the same time - before bringing his hands up, dragging them down his face, the strange feeling not leaving him as he stares into the mirror.

He can't stand it anymore.

Bottling up your feelings isn't a healthy thing to do, Jisung knows that. But it's not like there's anything else he can do, really.

So as his eyes well with tears, he just blinks them away, brushing at his eyelids harshly - he doesn't care if any of his eyelashes get torn away in the process.

He just doesn't want to cry. It would make all of this seem more real.

Denial is something he's grown to master, and he's not going to change it at that exact moment.

It's not like it would work, anyway. Change isn't what comes easily to him. He wishes it was, though.

Again, it's that type of day.

That type of day when he can't bring himself to actually do anything, that type of day when he struggles to breathe, because the weight on his chest and shoulders suddenly feels too much for him to bear.

He doesn't understand exactly why he feels so weak.

Sure, maybe he hasn't eaten an actual breakfast, and maybe he skipped dinner yesterday, and _maybe_ he only managed to will himself into eating an entire sandwich for lunch - but it's not like he's not used to it.

He knows hunger, maybe even a bit too much.

He's used to the way his stomach hurts as he tries to fall asleep, his thoughts wandering, because what if, what if he sneaked into the kitchen and just ate a little more? It'll stop the pain, but also just an imaginary picture of him actually doing it makes him feel sick.

So why, why does he feel so _weak_?

He glances at the clock, shivering slightly when he sees that it's still barely nine in the morning, and yet, he's so tired already.

Going up the stairs seems like such a hardship. He's not quite sure he can do it.

But he tries, and maybe his knees give up under him a few times, but he's determined to get to his room.

He just wants to sleep.

If he gets there, then surely, he'll be able to drift off, right? When he's so tired, it shouldn't be possible for him to stay up longer - even if he does get a little, bitter feeling of doubt from his experience.

In the end, he doesn't manage to get back to bed.

But that's okay. He'll get there eventually.

For now, he'll just stay on the stairs a little. It sounds pathetic - and it kind of is, actually. But Jisung is tired.

Maybe Jisung is tired, of being alive.

_("Hey, Sungie!"_

_Chan's excited voice fills Jisung's room as the boy video calls him, a genuine smile on the older's lips and his voice as warm as ever as he speaks, and Jisung hums at him to go on, "honestly, it's as hot in Australia as I remember it to be, but my family's here so I'm happy," his eyes soften at the words, exactly how Jisung remembers him to be, and it messes with his heart a bit, "what about you, though? How have you been? Have you been taking care of yourself like I told you to?"_

_He sounds expectant, maybe excited, even; it makes Jisung's chest ache._

_He bites his lip, his eyes shifting as he realizes, he can't tell Chan the truth._

_He doesn't want to bother the other with his own feelings._

_"I'm good."_

_The words feel like poison as they leave his lips._

_But the way Chan's face lights up makes it all worth it.)_

**Author's Note:**

> i've written this because it's one of days for me, today. i hope that anyone who's reading this feels better than me though.  
> as always, if anyone wants to hmu, my tumblr is @straymemes


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